Why is it?
by AbbyGibbs
Summary: Harm's doing some thinking


  
  
Author: Stephjag  
  
Email: Stephrabb@hotmail.com  
  
Website:   
  
Disclaimer: I do not own the JAG characters; they are the propriety of CBS, Paramount Studios and they belong to Donald P. Bellisario.  
  
Classification: Romance H/M or maybe not. The only way to find it out is to read the story.  
  
Rating: PG-13 (just to be on the safe side)  
  
Spoilers: "A Tangled Webb", "Shifting Sands"  
  
Summary: Harm's doing some thinking..  
  
Author's note: This story is set in season 9. I just had the idea of the story after reading something. Yeah, yeah I hear you coming: she writing a story where Harm is the poor guy again. Well no, it's not. In this story Harm is just doing some thinking stuff. But I have to admit that I'm a Harm- crazy girl. So sue me!  
  
Big thanks to Dae, for inspiring me the idea with her new fic "A Concept Understood"  
  
Thanks to Beverly Craven for her song "Promise Me" witch from I'm going to use the chorus.  
  
Many thanks, to AeroGirl for beta-reading!  
  
Feedback: Please, if you would like to express your enjoyment. If my work does not appeal to you for any reason, I have no problem with that, but please, no need to share that with me.  
  
2346 Zulu Somewhere in the streets of Washington DC Near Harm's apartment  
  
It's a cold chilly evening and raindrops are slightly beginning to fall but Harmon Rabb doesn't care a damn bit about it. Actually he is not really noticing it. He's lost in his thoughts once again. Since he wasn't welcome at JAG anymore, he had started working for the CIA. The CIA! He was working for the company now. If someone had told him that to him a few weeks ago he would've said that this guy was crazy, but now that was the cold and sad reality.  
  
Why is it that I'm so stupid? I'm a good lawyer, or at least, I think I am. No I'm sure I am. I'm a good pilot. But why is it that when it comes to my feelings I can't get them out? Sometimes I hate myself for that. I know pretty damn well I hurt her by not telling her what she wanted me to say. But I couldn't get these three little words out of me! I simply couldn't! She's probably thinking that I'm an idiot and maybe she's right. But she doesn't realize a much she means to me. I'm always thinking about her. More than I ever did before. I don't work with her anymore, I don't see her anymore, and I don't speak with her anymore. God, I miss her so much! Why is it that I have the impression that I not only lost my best friend but the strength of my life?  
  
Harm was walking in the street. It was raining much harder now and he was getting pretty wet, but he still didn't care. He didn't want to go home yet and be alone. Harm decided to walk a bit more. Without really knowing it he came to stand in front of Mac's building. Harm was standing there, staring at the light that shone out of one particular window. Harm stood there in the rain a few minutes more. He wanted to see her, but instead of walking into the building, Harm headed back to Union Station to his apartment. It's no use, he thought to himself. I've lost her.  
  
***  
  
Same time In front of Harm's apartment door North of Union Station Washington DC  
  
Mac, what the hell are you doing here? You have absolutely nothing to say to this guy anymore! He treated you badly and said horrible things to you. So what are you doing here standing like a fool in front of his apartment door? I wish I could leave and step out of his life without saying anything, without looking back, but I can't do it. How can I think about stepping out of his life? I perfectly know my heart wouldn't let me make such a mistake. I don't think it will let me! I need to tell him, I need to talk to him about, I.  
  
She didn't knock on the door - something held her back from doing it. So she stepped back, leaned against the wall and waited there, closing her eyes, for a few minutes. Suddenly her eyes flew open as she heard the lift doors sliding open. When Harm saw his best friend leaning against the wall he stared at her for a few seconds. Their eyes locked, before Harm shook himself out of his trance.  
  
"Mac, what are you doing here?" he said a little more coldly that he intended.  
  
"I wanted to talk to you."  
  
"I'm not sure we have any more talking to do. I think everything about us has been said. There will never be an 'us' - you said it before we left Paraguay, remember?" Harm said, inserting his key into the lock before entering his apartment.  
  
"Harm, please."  
  
"All right, come on in."  
  
"Thanks," she whispered.  
  
Sarah Mackenzie entered and Harm closed the door behind her. Harm took off his dripping coat, hung it in the laundry and then headed for the bathroom. "I'm just going to take a quick shower, before I catch a cold. Make yourself at home."  
  
Mac heard turned him the water tap on and listened to the water, imagining it raining over his body, suddenly she found herself wishing she was in the shower stall with him. but now this was something that only could happen in her mind or dreams. She knew it.  
  
Harmon Rabb appeared from the bathroom 6 minutes and 32 seconds later, only wearing a towel around his waist, and headed for his bedroom. He stopped at the sight of her. Sarah was looking at him in a strange way and he couldn't figure out what the look in her eyes meant.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'd forgotten how handsome you are."  
  
A trace of a smile made its way to Harm's lips but the smile didn't get to his usually bright eyes. No, his eyes were showing hurt and despair. Mac's heart tore at the sight.  
  
Harm made his way to his bedroom to put some clothes on and came out 5 minutes later, barefoot and wearing blue jeans and a gray sweater. Harm went to the kitchen and made some coffee. Mac took her coat off and made her way to the couch. Before Harm went to sit on the couch he pushed the start button of the coffee machine and pushed the "stand by" button of his stereo. Soft music filled the room while he made himself comfortable in the couch, a respectable distance from where Mac sat. Heavy silence hung in the air for a few minutes until Mac decided to break it.  
  
"Harm." Mac began softly.  
  
"Mac, I'm not sure I can bear any more pain. I'm not ready to hear you say things like you said to me back in Paraguay. I can't take it anymore. I just can't. I thought I knew you, but I realize today that I don't. And that hurts even more than hearing you say that there will be no 'us, and that it will never work between us. All I have been able to these past few days is to think about you and the pain and emptiness I feel."  
  
"Harm. I didn't mean to."  
  
"No? You sure about that? I do think you meant every single word you said to me, Mac. I know what you want me to say. I know it pretty damn well! And I'm sorry, I can't tell you the three little words you want to hear from me. I know it hurts you. I'm really sorry about it, but don't you think it hurts me as well and even more? It hurts me a lot more than you think, and seeing you kissing Webb almost killed me inside, after all I had been through to get to you. When the Admiral told me that you'd disappeared, my blood ran cold. I couldn't think straight anymore. All I could think about was to get there and find you. I was so afraid that I'd lost you and when you were there, alive, in front of me on this table I felt so relieved."  
  
"Oh Harm." Little bright pearls were beginning to form in the corners of her eyes.  
  
"Mac I did everything I did for you and you didn't see it. You didn't understand it. You didn't even say thank you. No, I'm lying, you said it - but not to me, to Clayton Webb, the man who put you into the mess you were in. And for me, the man who gave up his career, his life, and to echo your words 'all I have' . well, in case you didn't notice, I don't have that anymore, either. So are you happy now? You were right. I destroy everything around me. But you destroyed me."  
  
Harm was mad at himself for saying all this so abruptly but he had to spill it out or else he would have blown up. Now Mac's eyes were red from crying. Slowly she was becoming aware of what she'd done. At the sight Harm's eyes became red too and tears were rolling down his cheeks as well.  
  
"Mac, can't you see? Can't you see how much I love you? Can't you see how beautiful you are to me? I wish you could so you would understand why I did all this... I did it all for you because I'm in love with you. my life feels like hell right now because I can't see you every day, and it hurts so badly that can barely stand it. I feel so empty now. Everything I trusted vanished out of my life, everyone let me down. What am I supposed to do now? I've lost the most important person in my life, the only one I trusted with my own life. My entire world collapsed into little pieces when I saw how close you were to Clay. Everything shuts down to me now because you're not a part of my life anymore. I can't say these three little words because I'm scared to death that if I say them to you, I'm going to lose you like I've lost all the ones I care about. It scares me even more because what I feel for you is so strong that it hurts."  
  
"Harm, you just said the three little words to me. You're scared to death of saying it to me because you're scared of losing me? What am I supposed to say then? All the men I loved in my life are dead, except one."  
  
Harm's eyes darkened at the last words. "Clay."  
  
"No, Harm, you!"  
  
"Can you repeat that again?"  
  
"No, Harm, you! I'm in love with you," she whispered.  
  
Harm shut his eyes has the meaning of what she just said sank in and the most beautiful smile Mac ever saw lit up his handsome figure. That was when she closed the distance between them and stood on her toes and brushed Harm's lips. That was the sweetest taste Harm had never known. And he didn't want this to end. Never and he made a silent prayer.  
  
Please, don't tell me it is just a dream. Please, say this really happening. Please God, don't let this be over... I'm begging you.  
  
Harm slowly deepened the kiss and it became more passionate and demanding; now they were kissing each other as if it was their lifeline.  
  
A few minutes later they reluctantly broke the kiss in need for air. Harm placed his forehead against Mac's and they both smiled.  
  
"You know, Mac, I meant what I said in the bathroom of that hotel. You are beautiful, Sarah. I love you, baby."  
  
Mac shivered a little at the sound of her name coming from him. "And I meant what I said to you earlier when came out of the bathroom."  
  
Harm captured her lips again, while the chorus of a Beverly Craven song floated in the background.  
  
Promise me you'll wait for me 'cos I'll be saving all my love for you And I will be home soon Promise me you'll wait for me I need to know you feel the same way too And I'll be home, I'll be home soon  
  
That was exactly what they'd done; waited for each other and now they'd finally showed their love. After a long journey filled with pain and joy. They were finally home.  
  
----- The End ----- 


End file.
